Chasing my own tail

With all the meticulous planning,
With all the wisdom thoughts raining,
Attending to each minute detail,
Still, why do I find me chasing my own tail?

I could write down a wish list all day,
to include someone pulling me on a sleigh,
Happy times with a perfect style,
Still, why do I find me chasing my own tail?

Scribble all you want, I have no magic pen,
I wish I had a routine, just to enliven,
Nevertheless, I push myself on a high scale,
Still, why do I find me chasing my own tail?

Friends I had, long lost and forgotten,
Free times hence, all moody and rotten,
Scared to find new faces, time become a snail,
Now I know why, I find me chasing my own tail.

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The gift of reading.

I liked to read a lot. From a very young age books became my friends. Readers Digest was a popular magazine at home and all of us read them, including me. I remember, when I was in 8th std (13 years), this neighbor lady asked me why at all do I read this book. Until then, I had not thought of that. Why do I read? I liked reading and I enjoyed reading much more than watching tv or chatting to the neighbor. She even eluded me against this very idea of reading saying we do not gain anything. Thankfully I was not impressed with her arguments which developed the dislike for each other but in my defense, I was young.

Years later, today, when I flip through a journal called “The Escapist”, it took me back to those good old times when I peacefully sat in a corner and read all day long. I wish I could tell this lady what it actually meant to have read all those book back then. When the busy nature of work keeps me occupied, I feel immensely grateful to have got the opportunity at the young age to have read all that I wanted to, to have truly enjoyed all the reading and the essence of all those books. It is one gift which life gave me and I cherish forever.

 

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These little things.

Day 1 – Little girl

Suddenly a girl’s loud cry echoed my entire work place. The shrill voice became scarier and sharp. The worried us ran towards the noise and we found out a little girl, from the ongoing Summer Camp, had locked herself in the bathroom and did not know how to undo the lock. We asked her to be calm and instructed her how to open it. Slowly she became calm and worked on the lock and succeeded in opening it. When she came out the cute little girl had a red face, tears running down in gallons. I could imagine how scary it must have been for her and appreciate how loudly she cried so that we could rescue her. We asked her why she had to come to the bathroom all by herself and she replied she is a grown up and do not like a nanny following her everywhere. Made Sense, I guess.

 

Day 2 – Silence

I was trying to swim away from a pile of papers when a girl came in. Small, cute, neatly dressed, hair in a tight braid, smart; I told her “goodmorning sweety, whats your name”

She stared at me.

I repeat – Name???

She still stared.

Ah, maybe she aint comfortable in English. Thanks to my friend, I knew, Name is Esmik in Arabic.

I tried again – Shu Esmik???

Still blank.

Well, that was the scariest moment of the day when I did not know what to do.

Why was she staring at me???

If you play a “who is more scared game”, who would win – Me or Her???

Slowly I tried – Its ok darling, you can go.

Walla, she understood and left.

So why was she not replying? Was she shy/ Scared/ unwilling to be confronted to by a stranger like me?? I never knew.

 

Day 3 – Fashion

It was my first time giving tour to a lady who happened to be a French visual artist. Though my Parisian experience was no great, this lady seemed nice. I shared my limited insight on art materials and tools and she seemed happy with my company. Towards the end, I came to see another artist who was wearing too much of a fashion outfit – a clothing covering the top portion of his body full of holes. Concealing my disappointment on his outfit, I looked away thinking – “Is that really some fashion or have I grown my roots into a previous generation”? The thinking stayed in my head forever.

To rediscover this energy.

Irony is it???

I have come across many ironical things in my life, some have a deep routed connection, I wonder, did someone know about it so well for it to happen this way. Yes, I watch my life too close to recognize every minute change happening in it.

I am not going to mention the first ironical thing that happened in my life, as it is far too personal. Lemme pour my thoughts over the second one.

There had been situations where I had stood in the tip of a tall mountain, starring at distance, my feet almost leaving the edge. But I did not fall. The whole scene interchanged as if it was a stage from a play/ movie. From this scare, I learned to be grateful. Grateful for every single thing that happened. Impulsive acts done by people did not bother me. This screen that replaced the scary mountain top became more colorful day by day. I was in a place which I would call Home away from home. I had felt the walls speak, even in the strangest moments of anonymity and sobriety I felt a sense of familiarity around. It was a surprise to discover this Home away from Home which I live now, was built when I was born. The years I was growing up, I had always wondered what awaits me next and when I reach there, it is as if I already knew I would be here one day, & this is ‘that’ day. Strangely true. I am grateful for that unknown energy that bought me here, today, to rediscover the connection and to feel grateful about it. Is it not intriguing to think, the day you were born and you were growing up, miles and miles away something else was happening, the fruit of which you get to know years later. Does it not surprise you to realize, when you were fighting and getting distressed for something meaningless, something else was happening somewhere parallel and you get to be a part of it and relive the same moments in a different way. May be some of you can relate to what I sound here and may be some of you already frown upon me for I make no sense whatsoever.

To wind up, I feel grateful to this energy which bought me to where I stand today and to shower upon the immense opportunities which I get.

The caution wall

I read somewhere that some people pass through your life for a reason. Let them leave, the purpose is served. I beg to differ as I see no purpose except that it left a huge pile of garbage called hatred which had not been rinsed off even with years of invested time. No good happened while they existed inclusive of waste of men, money, machinery and material in business terms and misleading moments in actual terms. I would like to hunt for an answer on why at all this has to happen. Whether or not I received an answer yet, I learned “Caution”. Caution is a virtual circular wall around within a 10 to 50-meter radius having large number of filters to finally allow any one near the acknowledgment zone. I am glad, one good outcome of the garbage was creation of this wall which made world a better place to live.

Heart

It had been a long time since I let my heart wander. If you are familiar with the awkward yeti, you will get what I mean. In the quest of ticking my list, I failed to realize that my heart had been kept a captive. I had to clock my odds and conquer the unfinished. Time, that is what I lack. The heart had to wait. Not my mistake, Heart had not made sense and I did not have time for child’s play.

I needed a break, but, had calculated breaks. The space around me had closed upon. Every inch was marked and pre-decided. Life was wonderful. Routines were perfect. Days passed.

It was time to take those much awaited long drives. I knew it was not the cool breeze that awaited but it was the pride and power of steering the wheels on those long expansive roads, fear had no room, it was to experience the accomplished.

Destinations set, I had taken help of google map, the woman instructed me to get there. Her voice helped but not always. How much ever I tried to follow her blindly, I got lost. I was attentive but failed to perceive. Exits after exits, wrong ways, confusing roads, dead ends, heart came to help, without prejudice, I followed my instincts. It took me a handful of rides to see how much I had lost my heart in the rat race. The rides made sense when i re-discovered my heart.